Mitchell David Smith

Mitchell,
A son to Samantha and Dave.
A brother to Cameron, Sheraleigh and Brandi.
A half-brother to Carla, Jon, and Adam.
A grandson to Shirlie.


My son Mitchell was still-born. I was pregnant and at 22 weeks, nearly 23 weeks i lost Mitchell. He was a perfect little boy, who just didnt have any chance at life at all.

He would have been loved and cherished by many.

He is always in our thoughts forever and a day, and even though many not got to see him, he will never ever be forgotten by anyone.
~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~


From the very start.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When i found out i was pregnant i was over the moon, the pregnancy had been planned and had taken so long before i got positive test, I remember going to the chemist on the 24th December and getting a test. Rushing home and it felt like forever before i needed to go to toilet. I think it was nerves. I couldnt wait to tell everyone on our visits around the family. Everyone was over the moon. Everything was going so smoothly.
Around the 9th February 2000, I had my first booking with the midwife, she asked all manner of questions.. I was so happy. I answered them all then she asked me to lay on the couch. She felt around my tiny bump and then measured. I was about 12 weeks, and that you would be due around the beginning of September. I was so proud and blossoming in the pregnancy. Then i had my scan and it told me the same as what the midwife had told me that you was indeed due around the beginning of September.
Then i started getting really bad aches in my tummy. And i kept losing fluid. I went to and fro to the doctor. He kept saying nothing was wrong and that i may have a urine infection and that you was laying on my bladder.. This, i didnt feel was right, as a mum carrying a baby, you know when something feels right and when something feels wrong.
Then at 21 weeks, i had another scan to make sure everything was going to plan. I was so excited i couldnt wait for my name to be called out. Finally the lady came and called my name. I walked into a darkened room with your daddy. I layed on the couch and awaited the pictures of you Mitchell, on the screen. Everything was so blurry, the lady seemed to be looking for so long. Then she said i will be right back. I turned to your daddy and he said its ok.
The lady came in, a man followed her. He was a doctor. They didnt say anything. The man then started looking at you on the screen. I was so frightened i didnt want to say anything. He then looked at me and said im afraid your baby has no fluid around it. I looked, not quite understanding what he was saying. I said is the baby ok? He said yes the baby is fine. We then went to see another consultant and another all in this one afternoon. We was told that the fluid i had been losing was indeed the amniotic fluid from around you. Everything was such a blur.
I didnt want to hear such words, i could feel you moving. You was going to be fine. We was told that the fluid would rebuild, but if it happened again we was to go straight to the Labour suite.
It happened again the following Saturday night as i was sleeping. I phoned the hospital and was ordered straight in. I was tested and, yes again it was your fluid. The hospital thought it best that they keep close observations on me and ordered me to stay in.
I went to bed that night, the midwife came round and had a listen, you was fine your heart like a little train. My fears were alayed.
The next morning the nurse was sitting talking to me as she listened to your choo choo train again and you was fine, as i moved my waters broke again. She said i will bleep the doctor. This was the 1st May 2000. The doctor came, and said that i had a severe infection and that they were going to induce me. But as i was only 22 weeks and 3 days, they would do nothing to save you. I couldnt believe what i was hearing. How could they be saying this to me. Oh if your 23 weeks we will do everything in our power to save your baby. What is 4 days??
I made all the phone calls and got your daddy to the hospital, i couldnt stop crying, so he asked to speak to the doctor. The doctor again relayed what he had told me. I was crying so hard. Your daddy couldnt believe it. Grandma and nanny came to the hospital, aswell as all your uncles and aunties sitting outside the ward. Auntie LouLou came in with your grandma and daddy. I was induced. It was all explained that i wouldnt be in labour very long. I was hoping, the quicker it was over the quicker we would be holding you in our arms..
4 hours went by i was in so much pain, 8 hours, 12 hours. I was given morphine, something wasnt right.
I was given more morphine, I was overdosed.
I had to be given Narcan to reverse the Morphine overdose.
I cant remember much more barring the pain.
16 hours, An epidural, why they had given me so many drugs. 20 hours, 24 hours, 28 hours. The midwife said you need to say goodbye. I thought how do you know what state my baby is in? I was still hoping amongst hope you was alive, and so was your daddy. Grandma and LouLou was there still, as they had been all night. Grandma came and held my hand and said come on, you can do it. I started crying uncontrolably. Daddy wasnt much better. I started feeling so much hurt inside. You was born at 13.48pm on 2nd May 2000, you was still born.
You was so perfect, perfect hands,fingers, toes, feet. You weighed 1lb. I lay there on the bed cuddling you crying so hard i couldnt see through tears. Daddy held you, i had never seen daddy cry, that day he sobbed and sobbed. Grandma held you so tight in her arms, tears streaming down her face. LouLou had a hold and was chatting to you. Then nanny came in. She was nearly blind i could see she had been crying. She came to me and hugged me and said everything will be ok, i promise. I was crying so hard, this couldnt be true. I must have been having a nightmare. Then the midwife came to me and said, we are having trouble with the afterbirth we have to give you an injection to speed up the contractions again. I didnt care i just wanted them to leave me with you and your family. I didnt want to let you go. An hour later nothing had happened so i was told i would have to go for a dnc. You was dressed and your hand and foot prints were taken. You was put into a tiny little crib, you was so hansome. My little Prince.
I went to theatre, and was put to sleep. I awoke, i was in a room all on my own. You was on the side with a fan on you. I was so alone, in so much pain physically. I couldnt get out of bed. I couldnt sleep. I was looking at your crib all night. I struggled time after time that night to get out of bed so i could hold you. I couldnt. I rung the buzzer for the nurses so many times. No one came. I cried and cried. I couldnt stop crying for you my baby. I needed to hold you to talk to you, pretend for a little time that this night mare was over. To feel your heart beat next to mine. To feel you baby soft skin in my hands. Why? Why is life so cruel? The next morning an auxillary nurse came in, helped me out of bed. I couldnt even stand. But i walked to you. You was there, my baby. Still so perfect. At peace. I couldnt bring you home. I had to leave you there. You was to have a postmortem to see why you had died. I never said goodbye, and i havent to this day. I never will. LouLou came to our room and brought the biggest bunch of flowers i had ever seen. The biggest flower there was a single Yellow carnation. I took it out and layed it in your crib with you. Then the nurse came and took you away. I walked out of the room with LouLou numb, wishing i was with you. I was in so much pain. I wish i could have run away with you, away from them all. We had your postmortem results back, you died because of the Morphine and Narcan that was given to me. I didnt have an infection. The hospital neednt have taken you from me. Why had they? It wasnt meant to be!!
I was rushed back into hospital 2 weeks later with hemmoraging and pain. The hospital had ruptured my womb when they had done the dnc. They didnt know. My insides were totally mucked up. 7 yrs on i have now had a Hysterectomy, and put a closure to the physical side. Mentally it hasnt got any easier for me. You are still my baby. I know when there is a crease in my bedcovers, it is you that has jumped on them. I know when the door opens by its self it is you reminding me that you are still here. I know that when i feel a cool breeze it is you touching your lips on my cheek to say, its ok mummy. Im still here! But Mitchell baby, i miss you. I need to hold you in my arms. You would be 7 and a half now and not a day has gone past when i dont secretly cuddle you. Not a night gone past where i dont say i love and miss you before i go to bed. You keep yourself safe my baby, until i am there to take over.. It wont be long. I love you with all my heart. My life will never be the same until i am there with you back in my arms like a baby should be. I miss you sweety until the day i die when we are reunited. Love mummy xxxxxxxxxx


~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~



Theres a special Angel in Heaven
That is a part of me
Its not where I wanted him
But where God wanted him to be
He was here just a moment
Like a night time shooting star
And though he is in Heaven
He isnt very far
He touched the hearts of many
Like only an Angel can do
I would have held him every moment
If the end I only knew
So I send this special message
To heaven up above
Please God take care of my Angel
and send Him all my love

~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~

One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along
the beach with the Lord.

Across the dark sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene, he noticed
two sets of footprints in the sand,
one beloning to him and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life
there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the
very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.

Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
youd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life there is
only one set of footprints.
I dont understand why when I needed you most
you would leave me.

The Lord replied My precious, precious child,
I love you and would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffereing,
when you see only one set of footprints in the sand,
it was then that I carried you.


~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~

Hi my little angel, sitting here thinking about you and what you may be up to?
Cant stop thinking about everything we could be doing together as mum and son..
Bet you would be a clever little boy at school and achieve in everything you possibly can. Wonder whether you would be artistic? Athletic? You know mummy is both of them.

Cameron is very athletic and not so artistic. Cameron is one to take things apart and not know how to put them together. He getting big now he 16. He looking for a job and wants to do well in life.

Sheraleigh is neither, she doesnt like anything that exerts her body.
Sheraleigh is into computers and is looking into taking a college course in ICT. I hope she does well. She 15 now and needs to start thinking about her future.

Brandi loves sports of all kinds, and is very artistic. Any cereal box we have to keep as she makes all manner of things with them.
She is doing well at school, being 9 she not sure what she wants to do but is just gonna start playing the trombone and trumpet. I am not sure she will like it or not, but she is excited about experimenting with them.

Daddy still doing the horses and still thinks he can beat the bookies.
I dont think so somehow! Hehe.. He has the odd winners, but then again he probably loses more than he wins. He will never admit to it...

Anyway babe, i am going to sign off now as it is getting late. I hope you are already tucked in bed and your being good for nanny and grandad. I love you, and long to be with you.. Mummy xxxxxxxxxx

~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~

Hi ya little man, its 11.2.08, I need to ask you a favour. Grandma is going through alot at this time in her life, Its her birthday tomorrow and she is very depressed and thinks no one loves her. She is loved she just cant see it. We all want the best for her you know that little man. If only she could see it. Its grannys birthday tomorrow and we all want for her to have a really good day. When Granny goes to bed tonight will you keep watch over her and give her a hug and a kiss for her birthday.. She will like that Mitchell, I just know it. Love ya babyboy. See ya soon xxxxxxx

~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~
Hello my little man, its the 6th March and im having a bad day! I sit here and think, think, think about maybe how things could have been different. Maybe had i of done something a little different. Maybe if i hadnt of let the hospital do what they did...
Life is harsh my little man, life without you is an endless nightmare.
I would cut myself off from the world around me if only i could see you again. I am going up to Stevens (Your nephew) birthday party at the weekend. Wow! He is getting so big. I could imagine you there playing all the party games and getting under the pinyata to get all the gifts and sweeties. I can imagine you filling your pockets with them all and going to sit somewhere quiet to eating them all up. I will get you a sweet baby and i will leave it in the place you know i have all your things, for you to get at a later date. I promise you it will be nice and safe, and every day i will go to our special place to see if you have taken it.
I do silly things like that, i had an old lady tell me before that you jump on my bed, that is why my bed covers are creased even after i make the bed so perfect with no creases. I wish i could see you do that. I would join in with you. And then we fall back on the bed laughing. All these images of you i have and all my little dreams are what keep me going son.
Anyway it is nearly 3 in the morning, and i have to get up in a couple of hours to get your sisters off to school. Night night baby i love you xxxxx

~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~

Hello little man, well it will soon be your birthday and i cant stop thinking about you! Time hasnt healed little man and mummy is thinking of you constantly.. I wish just for one moment you was here with me. Here for me to see, just for a moment. Just to see how big you are getting. You will be 8 soon my little prince, 8 years it hardly seems possible that you left us for a better place 8 years ago... Words cannot express the hurt and pain i feel..Or how much i miss you. Me and daddy was talking and we was thinking about taking your brother and sisters out for a little birthday dinner to celebrate your day. Not too sure yet whether we will, mummy always getsreally depressed leading up to your day. One day every year when Mummy dont wanna get out of bed and face the world. One day when mummy wishes she could bury herself in her quilt and have everybody forget she is there. Mummy cant help it.. I love you so much and its not nice to love someone you cant cuddle and kiss. I can never show you my affection. I feel guilty that you are up there all alone and im not there to take care of you. I only hope that you are being a good boy for nanny, and grandad. Auntie Laura, great granny and Papa George. Nanny and Grandad Nurden.. You need to be good for them until i am there to look after you. Well my little man, another day has gone, another day when closer to me coming to see you. Please dont be afraid and know you can always come see mummy whenever you need a hug. Please come see me..
Love you sweety xx xx xx xx xx xx xx xx xx xx xx xx xx xx xx xx

~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MITCHELL...

02-05-08

Well our not so little man, 8 today. Happy birthday. We been up to the baby glade to see you today. It is looking lovely up there. Every year you give us a sign to say yes mummy and daddy i know your there. Well this year you surpassed yourself. An Earwig in mummys pocket!! How you do that? Im sure you was up there rolling round the floor laughing at mummy jumping around after you see mummy jumping around trying to get the earwig out.. It made her day, as up to that point she had been searching for a sign to tell her that you are watching.
I miss you Mitchell, we wrote Cam, Shez and Brandi a little letter from you to show them you are still thought of in every way.

I miss you Little man and so does daddy, we wish we could see you. I cant imagine a life full of cuddles from you. That would be a dream come true. Anyway little man, hope you have a good birthday and get lots of pressies off nanny, grandad and all your other family. keep them safe and well.. We love you and wish when we blow out your candles tonight that we see you..

~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~

Hello sweetheart... Sitting here thinking about you as usual, all uptight today as i have been for a few days now babe.
I cant get over the fact that it has been 8 yrs since you left us, life isnt fair... love you babe and see ya soon xxxxx

~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~

Ask My Mummy how she is...

My Mummy, She tells alot of lies,
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my mummy how she is,
And because she can't explain.
She will tell a little lie,
Cos she cant describe the pain.

Ask my mummy how she is,
She'll say, Im alright.
If thats the truth, then tell me...
Why does she cry each night?

Ask my mummy how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She didnt have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell...

Ask my mummy how she is,
Im fine, Im well, Im coping.
For god sake mummy, tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken.

She will love me all her life,
And i will love her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She will lie and say Im Fine..

I am here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you, dont listen.
Just hug and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and i'll be bold.
I'll say your lucky to get in here mummy
With all them lies you told.


~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~

Our hearts are truly broken
Our tears they fall like rain
We wish to see you one more time
To ease this awful pain
We know that you're in heaven
And in heaven you shall remain
A very special angel
Until we meet again

~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~

02.06.08
Hello little man, Mummy again. Not such good news this time. Little Christian became another angel up there in heaven with you on the 31st May.. He is only 10. And it doesnt seem possible that he is not here. I hope your not getting him in to too much trouble. I can just imgaine, you both running riot! Now Mitchell you must remember your his Uncle, and he will be looking up to you to guide him the right way.. Please be friends with him and keep him safe. Now im sure you know, but Christian loves the police.. And when he grew up he wanted to be part of the C.S.I or something like that. He has police badges and all that you know, and all the investigation stuff that the police use, everything. Exciting stuff! And im sure up there in heaven somewhere they need a little sargeant.. Find a little place for him please, for mummy? Introduce him to the family and get everyone to keep him happy. He is a happy little soul, and just wants to play.. Dont ever accept soap of him and wash with it because he Uses all that trick stuff, the stuff that smells all poohy! So be warned. Ya cant go crying to nanny that ya tounge is blue and ya hands smell funny, because i have already warned you. ;) And i will be telling nanny too.

On a more serious note babe, i miss you both terribly. I want you to keep each other safe and out of harms hands. Mummy/granny miss ya both more than words can say. And the day we all meet again, there will laughter all over again.

**whispers to Christian** Hello babe, well Sammy/granny (the old rotten apple) is thinking of ya.. Cant think why you did what you did! So many questions and no answers. You know everyone is going to miss you terribly. I cant imagine life now. What tomorrow will bring. I will keep mummy as safe as i can. She is close in my heart now, you know Sammy is always thinking about mummy. And at this time, more so! Anytime ya wanna come down and talk to Sammy bring Mitchell along. Ya can both jump on me bed, so long as you dont hurt yourselves. Or break it! Cos then, Sammy would have to go and buy a new one and i dont want a new one yet... i like this one. You keep everyone safe up there in heaven babe, in your nice new policemans uniform.. Them buttons on that are very shiny! And no pranks.. I know ya a little joker, and sometimes ya cant help yourself.. But remember Mitchell is only little, and i want you to be the big man you are and look after him and keep him safe for me. Right im going to go and leave you 2 angels to get some rest. Please give each other hugs from me. I will be there soon enough, with you both.. I love you both very very much and miss you even more. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~


Time spent with you
Was so very precious
Even if only for a very short time
I hold a special memory
Close inside this heart of mine
To me you were very special
Much more than words can say
I still love you now little angel
And I'll remember you every day.


~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~



You never said I'm leaving
You never said good-bye
You were gone before I knew it
And only God knew why
A million times we've needed you,
A million times we've cried.
If love alone could've saved you,
You never would have died.

In life we loved you dearly,
In death we love you still.
In our hearts you hold a place,
No one else will ever fill.

It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you didn't go alone.
Part of us went with you,
The day God took you home.


~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~



Don't tell me that you understand
Don't tell me that you know,
Don't tell me that I will survive
Or how I will surely grow.

Don't tell me that this is just a test
That I am truly blessed
That I am chosen for this task
Apart from all the rest.

Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free.

Don't stand in pious judgment
Of the bounds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to suffer
And don't tell me how to cry!

My life is filled with selfishness,
My pain is all I see,
But, I need you now,
I need your love, unconditionally.

Accept me in my ups and downs,
I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say, "My friend, I care."



~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~




Precious angel sent to earth,
Did they tell you of your worth?
More than diamonds, rubies or gold,
Only you do I want to hold.
So perfect your beauty as I look into your eyes
That gentle reflection of angels in the skies.
Each day you grew inside me, so big and so strong,
But your time here with me was not to be long.
Oh how my heart aches as I have to say goodbye,
As I let you go back to play in the sky.


~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~


If we could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true,
We'd pray to God with all our hearts
For yesterday and You.
A thousand words can't bring you back
We know because we've tried...
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we've cried...
You left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too...
But we never wanted memories
We only wanted You.

~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~

We mortals sometime question the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with, the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world, seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to his fold.
So He picks a rosebud before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them, and so He takes but few
To make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult, still somehow we must try.
The saddest word mankind knows will always be "Goodbye"
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind,
Must realize God loves children
"Angels are hard to find".

~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~

Dear Friend, today you broke my heart,
In a place that was unbroken.
You did it with your thoughtless words
That should not have been spoken.
You know that I am grieving,
That my pain is deep and real.
Your hurtful words pierced like a knife.
How do you think I feel?
You may not suffer from my loss
Or share this lonely grief,
But I'm mourning my baby,
Who's life was much too brief.
I'm sure you don't know how I feel,
I don't expect you to.
Don't ask me to get over it....
That's something I can't do.
Without grief, there's no healing
It's a journey I must make.
It's not the path that I would choose,
but one I'm forced to take.
No matter how you choose to see
What I am going through,
I need compassion and support....
I'd do the same for you.

~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~~(♥)~